no more superwoman

We just got agreement for direct payments to help Aggie out round the house & with the kids for a few hours a week. WHOPEE! When it's all organised that will mean we can have someone in to vacuum the main rooms, take LMD to pre-school at lunch-time, peel potatoes and generally keep the house a little bit up together. I reckon we may even get an occasional evening babysitting otu of it. And all on those nice tax payers money!

I really did feel a weight lift off my shoulders when we got the letter:) It has been the subject of many long discussions recently. I'm not the most houseproud person in the world and will happily find more interesting things to do instead, but even I have a minimum standard, and we were not reaching it. I know Aggie finds it hard to physically do some of it, but it was really getting me down.

So some good did come from all that trauma at the end of last term when Mstr A was suspended:) There is always a silver lining......

But it does mean I can't claim to be superwoman any more, just having to care for Aggie, and Mstr a, look after the other kids, work for my employer, keep my hand in with my self employed work, study, volunteer at the CAB and re-enact, with only some housework required:)

to work or not to work?

Well, Ive been thinking things through, and have failed miserably to come up with any real answers. But I have put some feelers out and some things in motion which may give me some answers eventually. Or not.

Basically, i am trying to decide what to do about work. Now I only do three days a week, it's OK - I don't much like the commuting, but the actual work is fine, and gives me a break from stuff at home. But, 3 days a week does not bring in much money - I would be better off giving up altogether! And, re-training into a difficult field like law is hard enough at my age anyway, but the chances of getting a part-time job when I am academically qualified are virtually non-existant. No-one is going to give me a training contract part-time when there a literally thousends of younger, dedicated, go-getting graduates applying for each position. And the thought of remaining a secretary for the next 30 years is not that alluring.

Plus, I have to be realistic about my home life. Aggie is doing well at the moment, but his prognosis is, at best, that he will get worse slowly, and at worst, that it will continue to deteriorate as rapidly as he did in the first year of having PA. He does his best (for a man), but barely keeps up with the needed housework & child care at the moment. And if he has a bad day/week/month, pretty much nothing is done. I am going to be needed at home at least for periods of time.

And I am starting to really think through what Mstr A's asbergers is going to mean as he gets older. I have been telling myself that he will eventually learn social skills as he gets older and understands the importance of at least pretending to understand. But, honestly, that is only going to happen many years from now. He will get a lot worse before he gets better. Most people are in their twenties before they really start to understand tolerance and true empathy. Teenagers are notoriously bad at it:-) And mstr A's behaviour is unlikely to change much. 2 year old behaviour in 2 year olds is considered normal, if annoying. 2 year old behaviour in 5 years olds is considered difficult. 2 year old behaviour in 8 year olds is considered inappropriate. 2 year old behaviour in 13 year olds is considered criminal. He is already too strong for Aggie to physically control, and the chances are is physical behaviour will get worse as he gets older and more frustrated. I worry that I am not available for him/the school.

BUT, I'm not a natural "carer". It's not a role I particularly enjoy. I prefer to work outside the home. But find it important to work hard & and act professionally at work. I can not just do the minimum possible & take time off non-stop. It's a dilemma.

We are still looking at fostering, which would give me more to do at home & a bit of money. But I'm not sure it will work out with Aggie & Mstr A.

I am also starting with the CAB in a couple of weeks, so may find that gives enough "out of the home" work.

But in that case, I have to decide what to do about college. There seems little point putting so much time, effort & money into qualifying in an occupation that I will never take up. But then again, I quite like the idea of having it as an option if things work out better.

I have decided, as usual, to just wait and see for now.

scrounger?

I have been off sick today. It's just a cold really - you know the type, the ones that make your head feel like it's stuffed with jelly, and ready to explode, your legs feel like they will collapse under you every time you put any weight on them, and your temperature alternate between hot sweats and cold shivers.... Too ill to mangae a commute in gale force winds and 8 hours of concentration, but not really ill enough to not feel guilty about it:-)

Anyway, it has forced me into making a decision. I don't think it would have been much of a poblem if I wasn't already so run down, and watching Aggie going about his daily chores has made me realise that I am never going to be satisfied with the situation as it is, and trying to do it all is just going to make me miserable. So when I go back to work (probably on Wednesday) I am going to have meeting with my personnel officer and ask if I can drop down to three days a week.

I expect I will lose the job, as I know the company does not like part time support staff (it's OK for lawyers apparently, which is how they got such a good reputation and all the quality mark awards etc). I suppose I could fight it under DDA because Aggie & Mstr A count as disabled, or even under standard employment law because LMB and LMD are under 5 and both of those give me the right to flexible working unless the company can give good business reasons why it would ruin them (which I think they would have difficulty in making a good case for) but it's not really worth it. It's not as though I adore my work, have decades of continous service to maintain or care that it might ruin my "career".

But if I lose this job, I may well have a long wait to find a suitable job locally. There are alot of people who want part time work, and not a lot of jobs available. if I work part time I can not get the same kind of child care funding, so I need to earn more per hour to not make a loss which cuts out most of the jobs that are available. And so the chances are, I will end up being non-employed, scrounging off the government. Does this make me a bad person?

I will be looking after three kids, one not at school yet, and one disabled, and a disabled husband. And we're well down the road of becoming foster parents again (having started 5 years ago, then discovered I was pregnant with LMB, then LMD!), so hopefully will be looking after some other kids in the summer. But I feel that I sould be doing something "proper". I feel that I will be cheating somehow. Rationally it is sensible, but I don't know if I want to be one of the non-working underclass.

But then again, I really don't want to be an absent parent. I had kids with every intention of bringing them up myself, and I've always thought it is horrible for both the kids and the parents whose days consist of beakfast club, followed by school, followed by after school club, followed by bed, with weekends taken up with housework/shopping etc and school holidays just a different type of schooling. I want my kids to grow up doing things with me, and to have memories of being a family! And I want them to be able to bring friends round to play, and to learn different activities, and at them moment that is not possible. Aggie can not physically do the things that I can, and especially with Mstr A, being able to do things too is the only way they will get to do them!

I am going to continue with my studies, and hope for a part time local job, but I know I am not getting any younger, and I can not guarantee I will ever have a career again. And I don't like that in theroy, but in practise, I think I will be much happier. So here's to yet another new phase of my life.......

Busy, busy, busy

It's been extraordinarily busy here recently (and it's always busy here!). The Milton Keynes event went well. It was actually a very relaxing event for us, as we were really only on show for a couple of hours a day. The place didn't open till late morning, and then everyone went and watched the horsey display & joust before wandering over to us. Although I didn't get to relax too much as i was doing all the cooking for the group for the four days. It's a fun job, but a hard one - it's pretty much non-stop. Cooking three authentic meals a day over an open fire means I had to be the first one up each day, light the fire, cook the breakfast, start the lunch before breakfast was cleared aay, start supper immediately lunch was served, tend the fire throughout the day to keep it at just the right tempreture and still be working ready to serve supper at the end of the day after the public had gone home and everyone else was finished. Whilst keeping an eye on the kids too of course, and trying to still do my domestic chores display. And watch the joust & chat up the yummy knights:-) They took a while to warm to us - I think they were a bit confused by us to be honest, but then us girls went down to the banquet on Saturday night, got outrageously drunk, and made good friends with the nice muscley stunt riders:-)

It was very interesting watching the stunts. The organising group is a very famous one, and does lots of film work etc. And even I, with absolutely zero knowledge of horse riding, could see that they were doing some very clever stuff. But On Sunday the owner attended the display, and I have to say, you can see why he is so in demand. He was in a different league, and obviously had a fantastic talent with horses, making the others just look like good riders:-)

We had lovely weather for pretty much the whole time, which was nice. But by the time we finished, took down the camp, packed up the cars and drove the three hours home it was about 9.30pm. Then I had to put the kids to bed, unpack the car, reload the car with work equipment, and get cleaned up ready to head off to tutor a course up in Huntingdon this morning. That's a good 3 1/2 hour drive away too, so I left at 6am. The course went well, but I didn't get home again until nearly 7pm! Now i've got three days to sort everything out, befre we fly out to Ireland for my sisters wedding!

Phew! perhaps my best bet would be to just forget about sleep for this week. That way I might just about fond enough time ot do half the things that need doing!

Time is fleeting...

where did the time go? It seems that only yesterday my pencil was telling me I have a month to do my revision, and suddenly the exams are on top of me! I'm trying hard to shovel three months worth of revision into five days - around work, kids and re-enactment! argggghhhhh!

Do you think it's really irresponsible to pin my hopes on my ability to "blag" exams? :-)

Aggie has promised to take the kids out over the weekend and let me read through all my notes. I have written up most of my revision notes at least! The poblem is, that I remember it all perfectly while I've got them in front of me, but I have a VERY short term memory, so it will all be gne by the next morning! I passed my A levels by revision on the morning of, and the 30 mins before going into the exam, then scribbling everything down in ote form on scrap paper in the firts 15 mins, and using those notes to write essays around. This is a practical exam - i won't have the option of scribbling notes. In fact, they have specified that no scrap paper is allowed!

Oh well - I take a very pragmatic approach to these things nowadays. i will do as well as I do, and we'll see what happens then.

On the positive side, the year may have slid past so fats that I didn't see it, but it does mena there are only a few days until we're off to Italy for the battle of Caserote. Here's a video of the same event in 2005/6 (I hope - I've not tried this vlogging lark before!)



Looking forward to guaranteed warm, sunny and dry:-)

Calming down

OK, I've taken a few deep breaths, and I'm trying not to be quite so frantic about things today.

Re the interview on Friday - I've looked at the blurb again, and it's not that much work. A two page write up of some idea's rather than actual lesson/session plans, so i should be able to bang that together, um, well, maybe Thursday lunchtime - which will give me Thursday evening to tidy it up. Plus, I've been thinking, and I'll probably stay where I am whatever. Bath isn't going to be the easiest communte, even if I get a school this side of town it's a trek, I don't think I can really afford a year at Uni, and the over-riding reason that teaching seems more appealing than law is the summer holidays - which is a TERRIBLE reason to become a teacher:-) If the law thing wasn't well on track then teaching would still be top of my list, but as it is.....

Re the re-enactment clothes, I'll just do what I can do when I can do it! I'm going to prioritise the girls overdresses, and if necessary they can wear modern clothes underneath for the first event! We're off to a medieval amrket on Saturday, so i may well buy myself a dress, just to be sure I have something to wear, and I'll see if they have any hose to fit mstr A too. They're such a pain to make!

Re the college work. Pah! One thing at a time. I managed to do a couple of questions for homework at lunchtime today, so i have soemthing to hand in. Maybe next week I'll try to take the folder in on Tues & Thurs and read through it at lunchtime then. It's a start. I guess I'll panic enough about it eventually:-) I'm fairly confident that I will pass one of the exams, and that's pretty good considering. Although as they cost so much money, I'll be well pissed off if I don'y manage to pass through the whole year each time, low pass rate or not!

Re the garden. It'll happen when it happens. When the kids have time to play out there, I'll have to go out & supervise them, so i'll get on with it all then.

Work has been fairly slow recently, so I should hopefully be able to catch up with some things at lunchtimes on Tues & Thurs. Whatever - everything will get done somehow. it always does.

so much to do, so little time!

Deadlines are fast aproaching for everything, and i am not ready !!!

Here's my urgent to do list:

• Finish clearing the play area of old bark & re-lay it with rubber chippings. It's currently not safe to use, so this needs to be done, well, today really, so the kids can play outside.
• Re-read Dracula, and write up a term's session plan's ofr 14 year olds, plus study it well enough to be able to talk authoritively on the book and the lessons by this FRIDAY
• Sew all the re-enactment clothes by EASTER: still To do (at least):
• Two Under dresses for LMB, Two over dresses for LMB, one underdress for LMD and two overdresses for LMD, Four hose for Mstr A, Two hose for LMB, Brais for LMB, Brais for LMD, Brais for me, Two underdresses for me, one overdress for me, one cote-hardie for Aggie, one cote-hardie for Mstr A, One tunic for Mstr A.
• Still to finish: One tunic for Mstr A, one tunic for Aggie, one overdress for me.
• Read up on last weeks college notes (as I missed college) by WEDNESDAY
• Do some homework ready to hand in on WEDNESDAY
• Read through the four chapters that we are not covering in class, but will be covered in the exam!
• Make revision notes of the whole course
• Read and learn the revision notes!
• Go bridesmaid dress shopping with my mother & sister (and the three girls)
• Go dress shopping for me & suit shopping for Aggie.
• Tidy the house - it's a tip!

I'm sure there are loads more really important things too. Not to mention the fact that I have a hen night in Brighton in April, a wedding in London in May, a re-enactment in Italy in May and my sisters wedding in Ireland June to get oganised for!

Help!

I did it

I finally did some homework! this really shouldn't be an Event, but sadly it is.

I think I only managed it because college was cancelled tonight for Valentines day (I ask you!) and moved to tomorrow instead. So i had an early finish at work today, with no college to go to:-) So i settled down to half a mock exam - open book for my first attempt. If I get good results I know I am on the right track, and can concentrate on just learning the stuff!

Aggie was supposed to be looking after the kids while I worked, but there was an awful lot of shouting & screaming going on, along with a fair number of visits into the back room where i was working by a child or two compaining about something! I took a break half way through & found LMD fast asleep (fully dressed) on Aggie, who "couldn't move" to sort out the other two as it ould wake her up!

So I put LMD to bed, put LMB in her pyjama's & sent her up with daddy, sewed most of Aggies new tunic, then went back to it. I've finished now - within the alloocated time too:-)

Tomorrow is going to be hard work. A long day at work then straight to college. Ho hum.

And I am determined to do something every week now. Aggie has promised to take the kids out fo a couple of hours each weekend.

we'll see......

A vast improvement

My new job is much better than the old one:-)

I think I'm doing pretty well there. I'm not sure what they think - but they seem happy enough. I got my contract on Friday - only two days after starting! It was wrong, but hey, no problem;-) He changed it for me without quibbling and now I've signed up for a year. yippee!

Oh yes, and finishing at 3pm three days a week is flipping fantastic! This work/life balance thing sure is true:-)

And I've made it to college without any stress, ready & willing to learn rather than trying to find reasons not to go.

See, I knew it was all for the best. Most things usually are - if you look at them in that way:-)

A dummies guide to Law for Lawyers

The new job is going really well. I'm enjoying the work, the people are nice and seem more than happy with what I'm doing, there is no expectation for me to immediately know everything, and I haven't found reading about even the ickest cases too difficult.

but......

What is it about Lawyers that makes them think the law doesn't apply to them?

Once again, no written job offer, no Job description, no contract.

No induction, no H&S information, no workplace risk assessment.

I found the office manual today. it definitely SAYS that new employees should have all the above, so they KNOW what the law is, they just don't think it actually applies to them! I'm baffled as to why - it puts them in such a bad situation if anything goes wrong!

Still, I'm hopeful nothing will go wrong:-)

I'm certainly very happy so far. Finishing at 3pm yesterday just made so much difference. i didn't feel any of the stress, and I was even ready to go to college on time. (I really must start doing some homework this week!!). And even finishing at 5 tonight wasn't too bad - because I knew it was only twice a week, plus 5pm is a lot different to 5.15pm when after-school club closes at 5.30:-) They seem happy with me too... I've re-arranged my office, cleared a backlog of files that needed checking, started sorting out the case notes of a three year (so far) long case, typed three tapes and learned my round the computer system and some of the office procedures. I reckon I've done OK, but the three people in the Family Dept have all said I've done well, so hopefully it will carry on in the same vein.