As Time goes by

Eight years seems to have flown by in the blink of an eye.

Then again, so much has happened since 13 August 2000 that i can't believe it's only been eight years!

how does that work?
13 August 2000

You can't see how tiny he was here - but look at those socks - they are size 0 and came up to his thighs:) I could cradle his head in the palm of my hand and his feet would just about tickle my elbow...

year by year he grew........

In no time at all he was average size for his age, enjoying life as a doted upon only child.

But even when a sister arrived, he stayed cheerful:)

and by the time a second sister arrived, he relished the role of "big brother"

Last year I suddenly realised he had become one of the biggest in his class at school, despite being the youngest!

And now, our family has been trough so many changes in eight years, that I can't even start to list them all! And my perfect little baby has turned into my unique Aspie boy.......

Happy Birthday Mstr A - 8 years old today.

I wonder what the next eight years will bring?

Hitting home

Mstr A was suspended from school yesterday. He's not allowed on the school premises until Tuesday morning, which means he is missing the end of term party for his after school club (which he absolutley adores and was really looking forward to), and the school fete today.

Yesterday was not a happy day:(

I don't think he's grasped the severity of suspension, despite the fact that I have tried in every way I can think of to explain it, and terrify him into believing that school is his best option by far....

I was at work. I KNOW that nothing would have been different if I'd been at home. But I was at work. He's 7 years old, suspended from school, and I wasn't even there to talk to the teachers.

I spent the afternoon adding up the sums every way possible. If I leave work we would have to sell the house. Renting a property would be more expensive than paying the mortgage, but welfare benefits only cover rent, so that would be the only way to have a roof over our heads. So I'm staying at work. I'm quite concerned about the summer holidays, but.....

to work or not to work?

Well, Ive been thinking things through, and have failed miserably to come up with any real answers. But I have put some feelers out and some things in motion which may give me some answers eventually. Or not.

Basically, i am trying to decide what to do about work. Now I only do three days a week, it's OK - I don't much like the commuting, but the actual work is fine, and gives me a break from stuff at home. But, 3 days a week does not bring in much money - I would be better off giving up altogether! And, re-training into a difficult field like law is hard enough at my age anyway, but the chances of getting a part-time job when I am academically qualified are virtually non-existant. No-one is going to give me a training contract part-time when there a literally thousends of younger, dedicated, go-getting graduates applying for each position. And the thought of remaining a secretary for the next 30 years is not that alluring.

Plus, I have to be realistic about my home life. Aggie is doing well at the moment, but his prognosis is, at best, that he will get worse slowly, and at worst, that it will continue to deteriorate as rapidly as he did in the first year of having PA. He does his best (for a man), but barely keeps up with the needed housework & child care at the moment. And if he has a bad day/week/month, pretty much nothing is done. I am going to be needed at home at least for periods of time.

And I am starting to really think through what Mstr A's asbergers is going to mean as he gets older. I have been telling myself that he will eventually learn social skills as he gets older and understands the importance of at least pretending to understand. But, honestly, that is only going to happen many years from now. He will get a lot worse before he gets better. Most people are in their twenties before they really start to understand tolerance and true empathy. Teenagers are notoriously bad at it:-) And mstr A's behaviour is unlikely to change much. 2 year old behaviour in 2 year olds is considered normal, if annoying. 2 year old behaviour in 5 years olds is considered difficult. 2 year old behaviour in 8 year olds is considered inappropriate. 2 year old behaviour in 13 year olds is considered criminal. He is already too strong for Aggie to physically control, and the chances are is physical behaviour will get worse as he gets older and more frustrated. I worry that I am not available for him/the school.

BUT, I'm not a natural "carer". It's not a role I particularly enjoy. I prefer to work outside the home. But find it important to work hard & and act professionally at work. I can not just do the minimum possible & take time off non-stop. It's a dilemma.

We are still looking at fostering, which would give me more to do at home & a bit of money. But I'm not sure it will work out with Aggie & Mstr A.

I am also starting with the CAB in a couple of weeks, so may find that gives enough "out of the home" work.

But in that case, I have to decide what to do about college. There seems little point putting so much time, effort & money into qualifying in an occupation that I will never take up. But then again, I quite like the idea of having it as an option if things work out better.

I have decided, as usual, to just wait and see for now.

Finally!

At last, we have an official diagnosis of Asbergers syndrome for Mstr A. They had a professionals meeting yesterday, and we were invited to see the paediatrician today, and told that there was a unanious agreement that he was an Aspie.

horaay! I feel very relieved - and a bit guilty that I am happy he has something wrong with him! But mostly pleased. Now we can actually start to officially get extra support for him in all sorts of things. Hopefully the school might get a bit of funding to help them supervise him out of class (they do very well inside the classroom, but playtimes & trips are still a major problem), and we are looking into (mostly) moral support from local groups and organisations.

Now to tell everyone:-)

I wonder if I should re-apply to the local swimming lessons - under DDA legislaion I could now insist on going in with him whatever the idiot teacher thought about it. But then again, whereas I'm all for fighting for your rights when necessary, i don't really see the point as we are doing better with the further away lessons now. It depends how life works out fo me I suppose. Aggie can not go in with him if I get a job too far away, so we'll see what happens.

Say what?!

We all went up to London this weekend just gone, to visit my family (well, some of them anyway) and let the kids play with their cousin G. On Saturday, the children were all playing rather nicely after lunch, while the grownups chatted round the table. As my sister is an Occupational Therapist working with people with mental health issues (I don't know, she doesn't really know! Nobody knows, but it's sounds like a tough job whatever!) she's a useful font of information for me, seeing as an awful lot of our clients have mental health issues (the sad thing about working in family law is mostly all your clients have major problems in their life. They wouldn't need a solicitor if everything was hunky dory, would they?) so we were discussing some people in generic terms.

Of course, she calls hers patients, and I call mine clients, but basically, in most cases we're trying to get the same things for them. At one point the conversation turned to the perceived difference between deliberate and unconscious self-harm. I said that one case I found really sad was an addict who was the most fantastic mother most of the time. But then she had a relapse, and the baby was in real danger and was taken away. i said I did not see that she would ever get it back, and it was sad, because when straight, she did everything right. Sister S asked if it was as sad when the mother was a fantastic mother except when she had a psychotic episode due to a mental health problem. I said it wasn't, because it was quite possible that mother could be reassessed later, and would have at least some access to their child. Sister S pointed out that shows a decided bias from the courts in what the consider to be involuntary behaviour (psychosis, disability etc) and "voluntary behavior" like drug addiction and prostitution.

I was about to agree that in most cases theses people were not voluntarily doing it when Master A piped up from the other side of the room, "Prostitution? That's what i am"

My sister, other and I all looked at each other then almost simultaneously asked him what he meant:-) He clarified for us, "in the school play. I'm the prosecution" (he is doing Goldilocks in court this year - how cool is that? I always thought it was a bit of an iffy story!). he then went on to tell us how exactly to say it, and spell it, and that we had got it a bit wrong:-) fortunately he did not ask what our word meant, since he hasn't quite got to grips with sex yet, never mind that!

Poor Mstr A. He's good at getting it just slightly wrong enough to be completely wrong in adults eyes. At the beginning of term, all the children in his class had to do a poster of why it is good to be me. They were put up outside the classroom for all the parents to look at. It had a picture of them in the middle and lines off to descriptions of what made them individuals. Mstr A's 1st line went off to "What I like" underneath he wrote "my friends, Tom, Robert, John*, call girls, smiley. For weeks I watched parents go over, look at it, double take, and look worried. I did ask him what it said (obviously). he read it out to me. People I like: Tom, Robert, John and all girls in brackets! Mstr A's writing made the first bracket look just like a C and the last one just like a smiley!

Silly mum!

Still, good news, kind of. We saw the educational psychologist today. She was quite convinced that he showed many Aspie behaviours, and congratulated us on having done such a fantastic job of managing him. she even wrote down some of our techniques for future use:-) She said that it was good that we had spoken to him about it, and that it would be fine to use the word "asbergers" to him, even if it was not actually diagnosed - which is the opposite of what the paediatrician said! Although she was not upbeat about getting an actual diagnosis still. partly because she was very keen not to diagnose. she kept saying it would not get him any extra help on its own and he was managing well enough at school without the formal diagnosis, and it would follow him through life. But also because she said we have managed it so well, some of the behavioural issues are not much of an issue with him, since the management techniques keep it under control. Huh, so we were supposed to let him ruin his life just to get the diagnosis? But a full report from her will go a long way and hold plenty of weight. It's certainly made me feel thatI am not just being a pushy parent anyway, which does worm it's way into my mind every now and then:-) After all, all 7 year old boys are pretty difficult! In a way it's comforting to know he is abnormally difficult;-) Weird huh?

When did this happen?

Mstr A starts Junior school today.

I remember starting junior school. i felt so grown up!

Although he is all grown up - reaching my chest and heavy enough to topple me over when he jumps on me!

In this picture, I could place his head in the palm of my hand and his feet would just about rest in the crook of my elbow!

How did that happen?!

slogging on

Life is just slogging on at the moment. LMB's chicken pox scabbed over pretty quickly and she went back to school admidst wails of protsts. I thought it was just that daddy had spoiled her while she was at home, but as the days went on I had to wonder if there really was a problem. I finally managed to get a couple of names out of her today and spoke to the staff, so hopefully that ill be an end to it. She's only got two more weeks there, then we're off on holiday and she's staying off to do some fun things before starting big school, so i want them to be good weeks.

LMD finally caught chicken pox - yesterday 1000's of spots suddenly appeared all over her. Literally1000's and literally all over - she's got over 100 on her face poor love! In her usual awkward way she waited pretty much the full incubation period before getting it, she couldn't have it at the same tiem as LMB! Which means Aggie has to have another week off his groovy drugs. His skin's getting quite bad at the moment:-(

I had some issues at work last week - you'd think that a law firm would manage to implement employment law - or at least not do anything so *****ing stupid that they are begging to be taken to tribunal, but no. Apparently not. I seriouly considered leaving & taking them for all the money they deserve to pay out, but in the end decided just it write it down for future reference, then ignore it. My solicitor was on leave so he couldn't sort it out - although he was steaming when he got back yesterday! And I decided that I like him, and the rest of my department, and the work, and the set up is convenient for me, so there is no need to leave at the moment. But it was pretty stressful for a few days.

My nice new lap-top lasted one full day:-( Then it died:-( I'm back on the old one now Aggie has put it back together - sticky keys and all!

Mstr A started a week of football (soccer) lessons today. After all the successes we've been having recently, and the apparent non-aspie findings of his assessments I thought we might have got over all his behavioural issues. His school report was great, and he's started playing imaginitive games with the girls - but it was not to be, He spent half the time ignoring his coach and the other half hitting the other kids:-( We've had a long talk this evening, and he's written a letter of apolog, so hopefully he'll be a bit better tomorrow, but I'm not sure:-(

Although he loves his golf lessons - and seems to be doing pretty well at them. And he's asked to do some music lessons (if I can find anything that doesn't cost an arm and a leg) so perhaps we should consolidate his solitary persuits before working on team things.

Out of the mouths of babes..

The queen is coming to Mstr A's school next week.


My boss asked if we wanted the afternoon off to go see her, which me & colleague thought was hilarious - although oviously we haven't actually turned him down. an afternoon off may be useful;-)


I tried to catch Mstr A's taecher to ask him about it, but he's off on a course all week! As I've got the time availabe, I was going to offer to assist with Mstr A during the visit. we don't need a repeat of his first school harvest festival in the church..... All the children trooped in, sat quietly, listened to the sermon, and then the vicar?priest? said "let us pray", and all the children bowed their head readfy to sit & contemplate their toenails in silance for a few minutes, except Mstr A who jumped up & called out "I don't need to pray, I don't believe in od" and wandered off to play:-) I mean, full marks for making your own decisions and standing by your beliefs, but possibly a little more social awareess amy ahve been in order:-)



Or when Germaine Jackson came to visit. Big kudos to the school - he only went to half a dozen around the whole country, but Mstr A wouldn't shut up about how he talked funny (US accent) and who was he anyway? It took me WEEKS of explaining that once he had some pop hits, but mostly he was the brother of someone else, who once had some pop hits but was mostly known for doing dodgy things with little boys, and no, i don't really know how that makes him a spokesperson for an anti-bullying campaign, and no, you can not watch the big brother programme they were all talking about!


So without any advice available form the school, I decided to broach the sunject with him. He had been told, so happily entered into conversation about it...

"Mummy, the queen is coming to my school next week"

"I know darling. Will that be fun?"

"yes, it's very exciting"

"Do you know who the queen is?"

"yes!"

"who is she?"

screws up face. Taps teeth. Stares upwards for a while.

"it's quite difficult to explain"

"Do you know what she does?"

"she lives in a palace"

"Do you know what she looks like?"

"no. But I can imagine...." (I feel he is likely to be disappointed)

"Do you know why we have a queen?"

"no"

"do you know why she is visiting your school"

"no"



Me neither!

Diagnosis?

We've been offered a cancellation appointment with Mstr A's peadiatrician tomorrow morning. It's for three hours and will feedback on all the other professionals views & reports, and hopefully (possibly) get us actually starting towards a diagnosis for him.

Or I'll just be told I'm a pushy parent & to shut up & shove off. Who knows?

It's pretty good as usually we would wait about 3 months for this appointment after all the other professionals have had their say, which would take us well into the next academic year! - and it's only been a week. Although they were WELL pissy at work when I told them this afternoon that I wouldn't be in in the morning. My immediate boss was out, so i went to see the head of staffing. he gave me such a look! I know it's awkward, but tough - this is my child's future! Which I told him in no uncertain terms. He was not happy, accepted it, and went to shout at someone else - which i wouldn't have put up with if it were me, but there you go.

I'm slightly annoyed, cos he said how much they had been flexible for me which I think is just untrue - i said at the interview stage that I would not work past 3pm on three days a week. they did not need to show any flexibility. they just needed to decide whether I was what they wanted or not. they obviously decided I was. It's not as though I've been swapping and changing things since! Humph. but really, other thn a bit of self rightousness i'm not bothered. i know I work bloody hard there. my boss knows that. The rest of my team know that. Mostly i don't really care what the others think. they have little bearing on anything:-)

I'll probably work late tomorrow to make up some of th time though - I've only just managed to catch up on being off for those couple days last week! And I'm hoping to do a car boot sale on sunday, as it'sthe only Sunday we've got free until September! And we've got loads of stuff that needs to be got rid off. But that means I have to get on with packing it into the car, cos I'm out all day Saturday at a Spa - just for me. I've never been before, but everyone agrees I deserve it, and I feel it's time i started agreeing with them:-)

Stuff

We're off to Anglesea again today - because the windiest, wettest part of the British Isles is obvioulsy the best place to go camping in 600 year old design tents during the windiest wettest and coldest summer the Uk has had since records began:-)

It's our annual trip to Beaumaris Castle - beautiful place, shame about the fact that cars can not get into the grounds at all, so it's a long trek carrying stuff agan. Oh for a pack mule:-) last year went pretty well, if a bit wet, so this ear should be good too - I've packed all our wool, and cloaks, and hoods, and extra blankets - along with some nice strong alcohol to help the adults make it through the long dark evenings! July is mid-summer here you know!!!!

Talking about the weather - I am getting a bit annoyed by the sob stories on the telly every night about the poor people of Hull (how come the poor people of Sheffield aren't moaning so much?). I KNOW they were flooded and that was awful. But that is what insurance is for - it's a shit and then you get new stuff! The moaning mum on TV ad nuseum yesterday was complaining that the Government should compensate her for the fact that it rained, and she was too lazy/stingy to buy insurance. I'm not sure what her mortgage company will say about that, since it's usually a condition of the mortgage, but I say, tough! If she is homeless the council will house her. if she was too stupid to get insurance, why should I pay for her house and her stuff to be fixed?

I'm off work today cos that annoying chest thing has come back, and I was wheezing like a smoker last night so didn't get much sleep:-( Hopefully the weekend "relaxing" will clear it up.

Talking about smoking - we had a cooked breakfast in the local greasy spoon today - without the added taste of chain smokers for the first time ever! Hurrah for the smoking ban.

Mstr A had his Speach & Language appointment yesterday. Unsurprisingly the result was that there is nothing wrong with his speach or language! NO!! Isn't that what I said two years ago? In fact, she was rather impressed with his vocabulary - I pointed out that I had told the paediatrician tht he was very advanced in his language skills - his vocab, pronounciation & reading skills are all way beyond his average age expectancy - and have been since he was a baby. Speach & Language woman latched on to this as him being "gifted" and hence having behavioural problems becaus eothers can not keep up with him. Which is absolute bollocks to be honest. He is not that brilliant - his reading and vocabulary are advanced for his age, but his writing is barely average, and his communication skills probably below average (ie: making others understand what he wants), and in other subjects he's an averagely bright child (except art - he's inherited my anti talent in all things artistic!). That is not the sign of a"gifted" child!

So, we've now got to wait while she writes a report to the paediatrician, and see what happens next. I think we're still along way away from a label though.

Mstr A moves forward

We had our second appointment with the paediatrician today. Only a year since the last one, so that's not too bad!

At least we did see the same Dr. Theoretically we should have changed as the other paediatrician covers Mstr A's new school.

It went quite well, I think. She talked to us about how he was getting on, and what issues were still causing problems. Then she asked him a few questions about school, which he happily answered - without once turning to face her or look her in the eye, which helpfully backed up what we were saying about his social awareness.

she wants to do a load more tests - some written ones for us & the school to complete, and a long interview type one which she'll book in soon(ish). She also said she would chase up the speech & language referral, as that was stymied when we changed schools! and follow that up with a meeting of all the professionals, including th school & us to discuss the way forward.

I mentioned that we'd used the word Asbergers to Mstr A, and his school friends because he had asked. I knew she would, and she did, immediately purse her lips and say we shouldn't label it until he is diagnosed. But it's going to take YEARS to get a real diagnosis, an EVERYONE says what a typical aspie he is. And he was asking. What should I say? you're just different? He'd ask different how? Should I try to explain to his 6 year old school friends that he is "behaviourally challenged and has social awareness issues"? A word is easy for them to grasp, and it can always be changed at a letr date if necessary. But since I have had a "diagnosis" from a consultant, an educational psychologist, various autism support workers and numerous interested parties. as well as my own research, I think it is a likely diagnosis.

On the other hand, he is doing really well at school now - mostly working within the group and staying in class a good 75% of the time. He understands that bhis behaviour neds tobe modified & learned for each situation, and he has made friends that are willing to come to his house and nvite him back to theirs occasionally. he's still hard work, but we're working on it.

I decided to get in with him for his swimming lesson last night, as although he has not been wandering off from th group so much this time round, he also hasn't been learning much swimming. One-to-one worked really well. All I had to do was keep his mind on the lesson, and he was well away - swimming his first full width without help:-)
all in all, a pretty positive move forwar for Mstr A

Every day, in every way.....

Life is slowly getting sorted out here. Apart from the money thing, obviously. i don't know when that might happen:-( But I'm certainly feeling more positive about life in general.

Work is working:-) It's interesting enough, not too taxing, and the early finishes are just fantastic for my stress levels. As is not being stuck with the kids all day every day. i always said I wasn't cut out for motherhood. they really start to piss me off after a while;-)

Mstr A has settled in to hos school brilliantly. In fact, we haven't had any poblem since Xmas, and not only is he able to name a number of friends, and have them come to play, but they are starting to ASK to come back:-) When I nabbed his teacher yesterday to ask how he'd settled back in after half term I was told that his interactions with his peers in the classroom are now not noticably much different from the others! he sits with them at their desks, and now on the carpet for story time. He plays with other children, and has started joining in their imaginative games too. there is still an issue with personal space and consistancy of his academic work, but he has achieved so much. Pretty much everything i was hoping for.

plus, when I spoke to the new after-school club leader, to make sure she was aware of the issues, she told me that he plays well with the other kids there. then, just to reassue me that i wasn't projecting any neurosis onto my poor boy, she said she's worked with special needs kids for the past 17 years, and would say that Mstr A shows pretty much all the classic signs of Asbergers. Which in wierd way is nice to hear, because every time he achieves a bit of normality I start worrying that I'm making up excuses for his behaviour, which is one of the the worst things a parent can do for their child. it's horrible being torn between wanting him to get better, and wanting his behaviour to be defined as something specific, so absolving me of guilt:-)

Oh yes, and he re-starts swimming lessons next Tuesday. I wanted Monday, but they had sold out. Hopefully we'll get a swap soon, but we'll work with tuesday. I'm intending to take the girls along on alternate weeks so they can get back into swimming too, as they haven't been for ages. I loved swimming when i had the time to do it (hopefully i will again one day, when they are safe to leave in the pool), and want my kids to be able to experience that lovely feeling of peace & weightlessness and total isolation you can have under water.

I'm really looking forward to re-enactment season starting again. It'll be nice to spend the weekends outside again. Still got lots of stuff to do though. i really shouldn't spend the evenings blogging!

Going well

Everythings going pretty well for us here atm. Which means I have little to blog about;-) I mostly rant here:-)

Work is working out nicely. I am getting to grips with the different cases and things we do. There is enough work to keep me busy, but not so much that I feel overloaded with an impossible task. The level of the work is fine - it will get dull pretty quickly, but it's right for now as I find my feet. And I reckon it will probably increase as and when I am ready. The hours have panned out beautifully, and I don't think the early finishes are causing too much hassle for my colleagues.

Mstr A seems to have settled down at school. He has lots of friends, there are rarely problems when I pick him up, and he is definitely learning more and more stuff all the time:-) He even appears to have learned that he should do his work on time! There's a bit of an issue with personal space & his infringement on other people's, but we're working on it......

I haven't got a lot further in the making of this seasons re-enactment clothes - but there's still a month to go;-) hmmm, and a stone to lose if I want to fit into my new dress........

The college course is also going well. Although I still haven't done any homework, and I really do want to start doing some mock exam papers soon! But the stuff at college all makes sense, and the papers don't look too bad - when the book is open in front of me anyway!

I've had a few enquiries for courses which I've had to turn down:-( There's just not enough time to justify traipsing aff around the country. Plus I am officially no longer self employed now, so couldn't take a profit home:-(

of course, the money situation hasn't improved much. We're still seriously overspending each month:-( I don't really have much of a solution for that except try to muddle through till LMB goes to school in September, and/or I get a pay rise (yeah, to double my salary like!), Aggie gets retired (fingers crossed), a parent drops dead (all as healthy as the proverbial horse!) or we wi the lottery.

OK, I'm just going to try and muddle through till September *sigh*.

no idea how we're going to sort out the school holidays yet either. I'll worry about them when they come up.

My mother STILL has her job, despite working for the NHS in a role that was supposed to have been cut 6 months ago, so no help there:-)

My sister S is finally splitting up with her partner, so is pretty stressed out by all the legalities and procedures and general nastiness splitting up incurs. But it's a long way away, and although I feel bad for what she's going through, I can't help much, so I can't get too stressed about it personally.

Even though I am now cycling 4 miles a day, and not snacking hardly at all, what with being at work all day, I have lost a total of...............


absolutely zero!

Yep, not even 1/2 lb of wieght lost! bah! perhaps I need to start actually practising what I preach, and eating breakfast, and a proper lunch? It's such a lot of effort though! But I was hoping to a) get into my re-enact ment dress and b) to look vaguely reasonable for my sister A's wedding in june.

Oh yes, and I've finally decided to stop being a lazy mother, and stop letting LMB be a lazy baby, and have started workig on getting her dry at night. She is still wearing napies to sleep, which I'm sure she can't really need, even though they are always soaking in the morning. So I have stopped. I put her on the toilet before she goes to bed, then again when we go to bed, and leave the potty in her room. The first night she stayed dry till 6am, then wet the bed. Last night she made it through - using the potty but keeping the bed dry. Lets hope it continues:-)