The musings of a juggling mother

Rants & raves about life as a woman today, juggling work, home, kids, family, life the universe & everything.

© Mrs Aginoth. The right of Mrs Aginoth to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents act 1988

Saturday, April 08, 2006

grrrrr!

we're up in london again, as i have got some work in Greenwich tomorrow. We're all up here, because my mother keeps complaining that she doesn't get to see us as a family at all, so we arranged months ago that we would all come up for the whole weekend for this course, as it's a short course with not loads of travelling time.

so i was not overly impressed when we arrived last night to be told that my mother had a meeting this afternoon and was working all day Sunday. I'm so glad we made the effort to all traipse up here as a family, and didn't waste our last weekend at home before re-enactment season starts!

This morning, sister S & cousin G came round to play. Sister S was in a foul mood & had a migraine, so cousin g played with my lot while S slept it off upstairs. They all played beautifully together all morning, then my mother decided she would do some lunch for everyone. She has a set of coloured plastic plates which the children use. Mstr A has his own cup, with his name on it. It is orange. When we arrived ojn friday night, we all had supper & mstr A had his orange cup & a orange plate. At breakfast this morning, Mstr A had his orange cup & an orange bowl. When my mother served lunch, she gave him his orange cup & a blue plate. Cousin G had the orange plate. Mstr A kicked off that he wanted the orange plate.

Now, I have explained Mstr A to my mother. I have given her the word "Asbergers", a load of documents to read, been backed up by my sister who is a Educational Psychologist, and had a long heart to heart about exactly how it affects Mstr A's behaviour & how we manage it.

My mother doesn't believe in any mental, behavioural or neurogenic disorders. she saw a five year old child shouting that he wanted a different colour plate & sent him to his room.

i held my peace, and when the girls had finished their lunch, I went upstairs, calmed Mstr A down (in about 2 minutes) and told him he could have the orange plate now as G had finished with it. he was happy, came downstairs, we swapped his food onto the orange plate & he started eating and chatting nicely.

Moments later, my mother came in with three toffee desserts, put them down directly in front of Mstr A and stated "these are just for the adults". Now, apart from the fact that there were four adults in the room (I guess Aggie either didn't count as an adult, or possibly wasn't there in her eyes), she did not bother to ask me or S if we wanted them, and I have stated, on a number of occasions, and very loudly & vehemently, that I will not ever have "childrens" food and "adults" food. My kids will be brought up to eat properly, the same as we do. in fact I have made a big issue of my dislike of the whole concept of "childrens" food many times & my mother is well aware of my strong feelings on that subject. So when Mstr a asked "can i have one of those?" I said he could have mine if he finished all his dinner.

Yes, i know it was going against what one adult had already said, but 1)I didn't want it anyway, 2)she'd put them down directly in front of him, 3)she's violated one of my most sacrosanct rules.

my mother disagreed with me, and said they were only for the adults. Mstr A cried. i said i didn't want it, so he could have it as there is no such thing as adults food. my mother took them away. Mstr A finished his lunch, & I gave him a toffee dessert. My mother stormed off in a sulk.

After lunch, the kids went and played again & I went to try and talk to my mother & explain. I started by saying I was sorry that i had disagreed with her, but I will not tolerate the whole adult/child food concept. She told me I wasn't sorry, then uttered the fairly unforgiveable line "no wonder he behaves the way he does, it's your own fault for letting him do whatever he wants".

I am really starting to wonder if there is any point in trying to make the relationship between Mstr A, myself & my mother work. We're going up again in June for my mothers & G's birthday's, but at the moment I'm not feeling inclined to make any further arrangements.

6 Comments:

  • At Sunday, April 09, 2006 11:30:00 pm, Blogger debambam said…

    Oh you have more patience than me, I probably would have left, mother or not! There is only so much you can take considering your under someone else's roof....Can I ask how often your mother comes to your house? Because once it's on your turf, it's your rules.....

     
  • At Monday, April 10, 2006 12:48:00 am, Blogger Stephen (aka Q) said…

    It sounds like you handled it about as well as it could be handled. When someone is determined to make trouble, it can be impossible to escape unscathed.

    I've always objected to that old saying, "it takes two to tango" (meaning, it takes two to fight). In my experience, it takes two people to make peace. If either of the two is determined to have war, war it will be. Which presumably is why there's so much conflict in the world.

     
  • At Monday, April 10, 2006 12:41:00 pm, Blogger RCA said…

    Deep breathes, calm, new concepts have to be spoon-fed to many people... just keep repeating the same information and maybe do the visit next time at your house where you can control eating arrangements etc. better.

    And btw - I hate the whole adult food/ child food thing as well - i never ate a fishfinger until I was 14 - my Mum made food (or bought food when busy) and we all sat around a table and ate together. if you didn't like something you didn't have to have it but there weren't adult/child menus on offer... bringing my nephew up on the same principle, he's 14months and loves, yoghurts, smoked salmon, roast pork and shortbread best of all things :-)

     
  • At Monday, April 10, 2006 6:02:00 pm, Anonymous Nanny A said…

    Perhaps you would like to join me on thursday when i try out the tai chi class-it might help with future visits to grandma.(or perhaps she should take it up).Any way I missed you all when you were away glad your home see you soon.

     
  • At Tuesday, April 11, 2006 5:29:00 am, Anonymous ~ Stacy ~ said…

    Wow. Mrs. A. I completely empathize with you and the mother not understanding bit. Although, it happens to be my mother-in-law that gives me grief. She refuses to accept that my son has a mental disorder, and has pretty much said something to the same effect as your mom... it's my fault he behaves the way he does.

    I have been on the outs with her for about two months now. It started when she made a comment to my son that I felt was not only inconsiderate, but downright mean. I told her as much, (respectfully, mind you), but all she could say was, "Well what about your son? What about his behaviour?"

    My son? He had remained quiet, taking her insult like a true gentleman. He's only 13. She is an adult. Since when is it okay for an adult to verbally attack a child? She hurt him, but doesn't care. As it stands, she believes that I have wronged her by speaking on my son's behalf.

    Yeah... this is a hot button for me. Sorry for taking up your comment box. It just makes me sad to hear of others having to deal with the same willful ignorance that I have run in to.

    *sigh*

    I've given up hope with my MIL. I wish you the best with your son, and helping your mother to comprehend. It's tough sometimes. He's lucky to have you for a mom. You're awesome!

     
  • At Tuesday, April 11, 2006 7:28:00 am, Blogger ivoryfrog said…

    I have a similar problem with my mother - getting her to believe/understand something - although thankfully not relating to the kids.

    My mum refuses to believe/understand about me and why is difficult for me to lose weight. She thinks that I sit at home and stuff cream cakes or cholcolate I guess. But in reality, its my underactive thyoid that is making it difficult (although not impossible) to lose weight. I try to explain the condition to her but she just rolls her eyes like I am making it all up! When we were over for lunch on Sunday she gave me a smaller portion of the whole meal saying that my stomach was too large and I would get used to eating less and that is how I would lose weight.
    But then, my mothers has very messed up ideas of food/nutrition anyway and has no interest in learning anything new. She claims that is a waste of time!

    I think you handled the situation brilliantly, basically where your son is concerned your rules/wishes are what counts. :-)

     

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