emotions are a strange thing....
Partly because the debate over faith schools has blown up again in the media, and it was the last thing we discussed before he died. i was waiting for him to explain the party-line on why they were being increased, because i didn't, and still don't understand how a labour Gov't has promoted state faith schools! it made me feel angry that I never got to have that (and so many other) discussions with him.
Earlier in the week I took a phone call at work. the woman on the other end asked to make an appointment, and then broke down in tears telling me that she had just found out her son had died. She used exactly the same words that my mother used when she phoned me that Thursday evening to tell me she had just found out my brother had died. I don't think i can explain the emotions that suddenly welled up at that - sadness, compassion, and something more.
Then I heard through the grapevine that his biological mother died a few weeks ago. She died alone, in a mental hospital, thanking some unknown woman for being a good mother to her son. She married when my brother was still quite young, and had three more children, and she lived with them & her husband all the way through his childhood - he visited her every year until he was 18 & refused to continue. So why do I feel in some way guilty?
It would have been his 30th birthday in January. I still think about him most days. Which is wierd, as I rarely "thought" about him when he was alive.